lmnop

this fucking jacket.

In my mind it’s always the ‘Robbie Jacket’.  because he was the first person I ever saw it on and he had it for years.  So every time I saw him basically (except for July) he had this same jacket.

(and he pulled it off very well because, well, he was Robbie.) 

and it’s a pretty popular style because I see it every where. 

and most days I can deal and I’m not too fazed but today I saw some kid with a similar one and it just hurts. 

I think because my parents were talking about my birthday next month and I’m turning 19 and I’m not excited at all.  I don’t want to turn 19. It scares me. 

I definitely don’t want to turn 20 and turning 21 is at the very bottom of my list of things to do. 

Robbie was 19 when he was diagnosed and 20 when he died. I know cancer is somewhere in my future for me, it’s just a matter of when. And I can’t help but think, well, I’m 19, am I old enough to have cancer now? 

I’m gonna be 20, am I ready to die? I don’t want to but, obviously, but it just makes me think of my own mortality.  

And turning 21 means I’ll technically be older than him and I just don’t want to deal with that.  

I just miss him.  And I hate seeing this fricking jacket.